A café, somewhere in England. It is empty, except for the Owner and the Wheelchair-bound Man. The Wheelchair-bound Man is, it seems fair to say, not unwelcome.
W When, just now?
O No, before.
W Good God, a customer.
O I don’t want to get carried away.
W You should call the police.
O What?
W You said he snooped around.
O I don’t know.
W Though if standing in a place where there are chairs provided gets a customer reported to the police, I think you might need a sign.
O I beg your...
W Think of the litigation costs.
O confused
W Hm?
O What do you know about litigation costs?
W What do I know about – oh that’s typical, that is! ‘What do you know about litigation?’ I know lots!
O I’m sorry / I’m sorry –
W overlapping I know lots you don’t know!
O to himself Christ...
W I know lots you don’t know I know!
O I know you do.
W Good. Now why aren’t you calling the police?
O I have glasses to wash.
W But nobody’s used them!
O Dust, then.
to himself Pedant...
W If he was sniffing around, he’d know you have no cameras here.
O God, you’re right.
W Not even one to catch his smug face...
O How do you know what he looked like?
W Well I’m assuming, from what you’ve said, that he was a smug little swine.
O He did have a rather remarkable manner.
W What’s that supposed to mean?
O I don’t know.
W I’m bored of this. What are you doing?
O I’m cleaning the – look, why don’t you rearrange the display cakes for me?
W Oh, yes.
O They need your... specialist touch –
W They certainly do.
prods one cake
‘Ere, I’m icing up over here.
Silence.
Eh? Eh?
O Sorry?
W I said I’m icing up over here. Icing – cakes? Yes? Oh, I’m wasted on this blog. Look, where’s my blanket?
O Did you leave it outside?
W Well I don’t know, do I?
O Let me go get it for you.
exits
W By the power of Lord Lucan, am I hungry.
to without ‘Ere!
Nothing.
I said ‘ere! Any chance of lunch soon?
to himself Go to feed, can’t do nothing without feed. Can’t knock together a display without feed, specially. Haven’t eaten in days.
checks he hasn’t returned
steals a display cake and takes a bite
Ugh.
puts it back
What’s happening to this place? Boiling all yesterday, freezing today. He must have bust the thermostat. The flowers don’t know if they’re up or down. They’ll all be dead before long. Good riddance. If I wanted all those garish colours I’d rub my eyes out...
rubs eyes
Yeah, really rub ‘em – start poking ‘em, like this!
pokes eyes
Ow! Bloody eyes...
O enters
What’s that, old gun?
W Is that my blanket?
O Yes. Here you are.
W Not before time.
Look, I’m bloody starving – well, not starving, obviously, but –
O Oh, of course...
W And I’ve already lost 10 of my 30 minutes lunch –
O Yes, yes, you’re right – here.
gives him one of the display cakes
Here, this’ll be ok, won’t it?
W Oh – er –
O Baked fresh... well, baked by me at least.
W That’s fine. Cheers.
O That’s all right.
hears something
Oh, er, sorry old chap, just got to, er... just realised this isn’t even your blanket! Stupid of me – yes, it’s, er, must be the one the neighbour’s dog used to sleep in.
W You what?
O Yes...
W Well where’s mine? This feels like mine. In fact it is mine!
O No, you’re mistaken there, sir.
W But it’s got my name on it! Look – right here!
O No, that says... something else.
takes the blanket
W Oi, give me that back! I’ll freeze!
O Just a tick...
exits
W My feet are cold. What are you going to do about that, eh? Eh?
Beat.
Nothing. ‘Spose it’s lucky I can’t feel my feet, then, isn’t it? You’re just going to have to stay cold, as you are. I’m no good to you up here, and you’re no good to me down there, so you’re just going to have to look out for yourselves, for once.
looks at the cake, and puts it back on the display
No...
takes it back
looks around for ideas
puts it down his trousers, bulging obviously
looks at it concernedly
grows in confidence
smiles; his posture changes
So this is what it feels like to be Jimmy Savile...
smile fades
That was definitely my blanket.
to without John?
John?
End.
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